I looked like I had been crying for weeks, I think enough tears had fallen from my eyes to turn the Sahara desert into a playground for seals, my face was red and blotchy and my mascara had washed my blusher away leaving black trails down my cheeks, not to mention my eyes which were so swollen they resembled a red puffa jacket from the 90s.
It had been almost nine months to the day that I announced to my friends, and I quote: “I would never have a long distance relationship ever again!”
And, there I was clutching my teddy bear in my arm while holding a snotty tissue as I waved good-bye to the man I love as I watched him drive away into the distance. I returned to the sofa and pressed play on the remote to begin the ‘my boyf has gone home and I’m feeling sorry for myself ritual.’ As the Sex and the City theme tune started to play I headed to the kitchen to make a calorific drink of hot chocolate made with full-fat milk, topped with marshmallows, cream and chocolate sprinkles. I settled back down on the sofa still with my teddy bear clamped between my arms and spent the rest of the day with my Sex and the City box set.
I’ll let you into a secret now…
‘My boyf has gone home and I’m feeling sorry for myself ritual’ is in fact an excuse to spend my day snuggled in a duvet with my two best friends Ben and Jerry.
But, shhh don’t tell anyone!
All images on this blog have been drawn by Katy Marshall.
You are sat in a small Italian restaurant with Mr Tall, Dark and Handsome, he has organised a candle and rose to be placed in the centre of the reserved table for just you and him. He grabs your hand and looks deep into your eyes, the candle light flickering under his breath and there is a slight aroma of red wine from the two glasses placed in front of you. He takes a deep breath (and if he says anyone of these to you – run):
1. “You know you will have to compete for a place in my heart with my mum?”
2. “I’ve been to jail – six times.”
3. “That dress you’re wearing looks like my Grandmother’s curtains - the curtains are nice though…”
4. “I bet, use slot machines, play poker and black jack – but I wouldn’t say I’m a gambler.”
5. “My name is Mr Right and I’m and alcoholic.”
6. “I love sport. I play football on Mondays and Thursdays, darts on Tuesdays, rugby on Fridays and cricket on Saturday, Sundays and every other Wednesday.”
7. “I like One Direction.”
8. “My pet chiuahua is called Princess Tiffany.”
9. “My pet chiuahua is my best friend.”
10. “I like men.”
The third and most important rule is do not mix wine and tequila. It is a known fact guy’s do not like a girlfriend who is passed out, with alcohol breath and sick in her hair. Of course I learnt the hard way - mixing the grapes and tequila is a BIG no-no.
It all began on a girl’s night out and we were each pre-drinking with a bottle of wine. We decided to cut out the middle man (the glass) and drank it through a straw, I dread to think what else we were intoxicated with that night but I do know a lot of tequila was consumed.
The rest of the night was spent stumbling around the clubs barely able to stand,
singing screeching Titanium at the top of our lungs and refused entry into one club, but managed to get into another to drink more tequila in the hope we would sober up. Eventually, my new boyf was asked to pick me up and I spent the rest of my night hugging his toilet until I was stable enough to use his toothbrush to clean my teeth, I then staggered to his bed while clutching all the walls for support where I passed out…at 11.30pm.
Single Girl Goggles: A serious syndrome where it is thought that girls will look at the ugliest of males and believe they are good looking.
Every one of us has been there, lying in the middle of your double bed, by your single self, watching repeats of Sex and the City while slurping on a three day old bottle of wine and wishing to be spooned by a perfect man.
Hitting this rock bottom tends to be when Single Girl Goggles come in to play. So, when looking for Mr Right it is important to remember rule number two – do not let your single girl goggles take control of you. I did this one too many times.
A few months ago for a girl’s night out, we decided to go to an open mic night. This was when we spotted Mr I Can’t Remember His Name (I was one too many rosés worse off). He was tall – check, dark brown hair – check, sparkling blue eyes – check, a tan an Italian would be envious of – check AND he can sing and play guitar – double check! My. Perfect. Man.
However yes, he was tall with brown hair and blue eyes and yes he could sing and play guitar, but reality was he also had as many volcanic spots erupting on his face that Iceland would be jealous, his hair was so greasy he could have probably fried an egg on it and his choice of clothing…well let’s not ever go there!
It was official I had suffered from Single Girl Goggles.
You have just got home from date number three with Mr Potentially Right and now you need to put rule number one (do not become clingy) in to practice to make sure you do not lose this hot slice.
To make sure you don’t end up with the nickname that girl is a clingy psycho, here are a few pointers:
Do not become a 24/7 texter or caller – he won’t appreciate the 3am phone calls just letting them know you are thinking of them…after the third meeting.
Avoid all cheesy pet names – he will not answer to snuggle muffin, sugar plum or little munchkin.
Do not buy a fish/plant/chihuahua after the fifth meeting and announce that this is your first child and then name it a mixture of both your names.
If he doesn’t want to meet up with you because he is watching football with his friends, accept it, do not spend all night crying into your pillow listening to Adele, only coming up to breath when you take a slurp of your £4 Rosé because ‘he wants to break up with you’.
Do not rearrange his furniture, add girly touches to each of the rooms or fill his bathroom up with all your cosmetics and make-up the first time you visit his house.
And finally, do not introduce yourself to his parents as the girl who he will marry and carry his children.
Otherwise, you will end up as the crazy cat lady!
We all want the perfect boyf that knows how to cook, clean and not complain and here is how ensure this happens.
It is important that you let them know that you are not there to clean (we’re not in the 1950s), therefore do not enter their house until they have cleaned it to an exceptional standard. Praise cleaning with a biscuit or two.
They need to understand that ordering a take-away is not classed as cooking a romantic dinner for two. Encourage home cooking by showing them recipe books and hinting in supermarkets every time you walk past your fav foods.
Boyfriends must learn that Saturdays are for spending quality time together in the biggest and busiest shopping centre you can find and they should not complain at any point. This can be encouraged by bribing them with food, alcohol and football games.
It is vital that every boyf knows that the week of your period is the worse week of your life. They should shower you with all essentials, such as chocolates, hot water bottles, sympathy, rom coms, spooning and paracetamol, unless they want to be known as the worse boyf EVER (for that week, anyway). To ensure they agree to sooth your pain, send them lists of necessities and ensure they know that girls go through a lot more pain than they ever will in their lifetimes.
For those who know (and those who don’t) I got a FIRST for this blog on my uni assignment.
So, I would just like to take some time and thank my ex and the dickheadish things he did to me which has helped me to work towards getting a FIRST in this blog. I knew I put up with all that shit for two years for some reason.
Good luck to you and your new girlfriend, maybe you’ll help her get a first in her uni work too. Dickhead.
As you all know yesterday was Valentine’s day. How could we forget?! It was pasted all over every shop window, TV screen and most of all bookface. We were the wonderful audience for all the lonely and bitter singletons, they expressed their depressed feelings over our news feed about how much they hate riding solo on vom day and how it is just a money grabbing day for all card shops. We were all then lucky enough to have this all followed by the vom worthy couples telling us how much they love their boyfs for buying them such beautiful presents, for them to further rub it in the bitter singletons faces by posting photos up of these beautiful presents.
I am pleased to say that I was lucky enough to be one of those people that spammed everyone’s news feed with romantic gestures, even if they were from my bff! She bought me a card and wrote more than four words in it (which guys seem incapable of doing), she bought me presents and put THOUGHT into it (even if it was a period mix LOL), we watched rom coms (which a guy would complain about), we drank wine and bubbly (which a guy would complain is too girly) and we ate pizza (the only thing we could use as weapon to get a guy to spend vday with us).
So, this Valentine’s day I’ve had more plans with my best friend than I ever did when I was in a relationship with someone who didn’t know the definition of romance. Not gonna lie, best vday EVER!!
(However, if I am single on Valentine’s day next year, I will be a bitter singleton and I will drink myself into a coma).
We have all been asked to go out on a date with someone we really do not want to be associated with but, cannot think of an appropriate excuse. However, you now have no need to worry as here are the ten best excuses to ensure you never encounter another awks moment!
1. I’ve just painted my room and I need to make sure it dries okay.
2. I’ve heard that today the world is going to end so I would prefer to spend my last living moments with my cat.
3. My friend just split up with her boyfriend so we have a double date with Ben and Jerry.
4. If your name isn’t Justin Timberlake, Ryan Gosling, Channing Tatum or Mila Kunis I can’t go on a date with you.
5. My fish died so I need to stay in and comfort my cat.
6. I’m watching Celebrity Juice and Take me out on catch up TV.
7. Zayn and Louis from One Direction are going to tweet me later.
8. I have a lesson on how to learn to play the ukulele.
9. I’m changing the engine in my car.
10. I’m practicing for my audition to go on the xfactor.
Being single and ready to mingle means only one thing – dating! But, we all have a picture perfect view of our dream date with our dream guy but what does that really translate to in reality?
As you make the finishing touches to your luscious locks, the door bell rings, it is him - the man of your dreams. He came over to speak to you when you were in a cocktail bar with a few friends and as he walked away he slid you his business card. He has spoken to you every day since using every form of communication he can. He is smitten with you and you are smitten with him.
You open the door and there is a stood Mr tall, dark and handsome, he greets you with a kiss on the cheek and leads you to his black BMW. He opens the car door for you. He drives to the beach on the warm summer evening, where he has set out a romantic picnic for two. He pops the cork of the champagne towards the shimmering sea and you sit together watching the sun slowly set. As the temperature gradually drops he takes his jacket off and places it over your shoulders.
And the rest is history…
As you make the finishing touches to your luscious locks, the door bell rings, it is him – the man you’re unsure of. You met him in your local pub and you drunkenly kissed him and forgot. He added you on fb and he has annoyingly been poking you since.
You opened the door and there is stood Mr short, fat and hairy, he greets you with “alright love, ready to go then?” and turns his back to you and walks towards his work van, with the words ‘Handy Andy’ pasted across the side. After a couple of attempts at the ignition you are finally on the way to your destination…the local pub. The one where you met, he thought it would be romantic. He orders you a pint.
And he is history…